Of Broad Rimmed Hats and Second Chances

Can people change? I think they can. I've been watching American horror story all day to keep from crying. what is it that is so appealing to me about not being scared by what freaks other people out? Maybe I just like it when I can focus on other things than my parents fighting. My dad told my mom he can't change.
I don't want to write,
i don't want to graduate
I don't want to go to school
                                 or the doctors,
                                             or to disappoint my coach.

                                                      but I really just cant keep doing this.

pull your sh!t together.
figure it out.
think. think.

no.
sometimes the answer is no.

I'm a Huwoman

Reasons I'm a human:

• I have this stomach that wants me dead
• I turn on the hand dryer before I go to the bathroom at school because I hate the way it sounds when I pee in silence.
• I like to steal things
• I am currently not wearing pants
• I like the way you work it (no diggity)
• I have twenty dollars, and need to fill up my car, but will probably just buy food instead.
• I love my mom
• I can't get over my exboyfriend, even though I dumped him.
• I head bang to songs I'm not listening to, in public.
• I rarely think red headed people are attractive, but I recently met a very attractive young man with red hair, and my brother laughed at me when I told him.
• I sneak out to look at the stars at 3 am in the summer 
• I sometimes do my hair like Legolas to see if anyone will notice.
• I enjoy tackling people, and being tackled
• I have used myself as an example 13 times (now 14) robots aren't this self centered
• I like eating the shells of peanuts.

That's not all, but it's all you get for now :)

www.youtube.com/watch?v=f-8jtBOorpE

www.youtube.com/watch?v=F2K_7-MHt3k

On grocery stores and tom boys

My creativity was reprimanded from me the same day my Mom lost me in Wal-mart because I started building a castle out of ice cream tubs in the middle of the frozen grocery aisle. They told me that I could never have a castle of ice cream, it would melt. My Mother reinforced this lesson by making me pay for all the thawed ice creams she had to pay for, which was nearly three hundred bucks. 

What can I say, I'm a woman of ambition. 

For the next six years, I was laughed at in front of my entire extended family every time someone brought that story up, which was quite frequently. Every time i built a fort, every time I played with Legos, every time I created something remotely close to a castle, I was reminded of my stupid idea to build a frozen delicious house in the middle of a grocery store.

 So I stopped building.

Things just like this happened all the time to me when I was a kid, and every time an authority figure would laugh almost directly at me, and assume I was too young, or too stupid, to think they were laughing at what I did. I wasn't. I understood that my mother talked about me wearing sneakers to church with her friends, she would laugh and say she never taught me to be such a tom boy. They would all laugh, and make fun at the little girl who only played with boys, and wore sneakers to church. One even suggested I might grow up to be a lesbian.

 I sat three feet away, coloring butterflies in a notebook.

My point here is that adults assume that they have something that children don't have, some sort of leverage over them. And while in a lot of cases, this is true, adults should never assume they are smarter than a child. I knew that my ice cream castle would melt, I just wanted to how long it would be before my mother would realize I was missing; enough time for me to build three hundred dollars worth of ice cream castle. As for the shoes, I was told to wear my best to church, for Jesus. My favorite shoes where my sneakers, They were muddy from the puddles I stepped in, scuffed from climbing all my favorite trees. It made sense for me to wear the shoes that I loved best, for Jesus to love them too.

But my mother pressured me into too high heels, and makeup and believing in solid houses, and spending more time and money on the cosmetics aisle than you did with your children. 

So I learned to smile, walk, and talk, just like mother. 

But I am still building my ice cream castle, because I am not my mother.

Dirty Socks and Forgotten Sweatshirts

I see you found my socks. I didn't lose them, I left them on the floor on purpose, you wanna know why? Because that's where the dirty socks go. The floor is where I leave my trash and my laundry and the messy things of my life because I know that once there is room to breathe where my head is I can pick all the things up and throw them out. I can get new socks.
Ok maybe not 100% new, I'm not rich.
But I can send them through the washing machine once, twice, maybe even three times, and get out all the things that make you stare at my socks as If I'm not worth it.
Stop judging me by my socks.
I don't care if they're blue, purple, striped, or dirty on the floor next to the sweatshirt that you gave me... I see you found that sweatshirt, I didn't lose it, I left it there on purpose, you wanna know why? Because the  floor is where I leave my trash, and my laundry, and the messy things of my life because I know that once there is room to breathe where my head is I can pick all the things up and throw them out.
I've thrown it all out. The sock. The old movie ticket. But not the sweatshirt. The one piece of me that smells like you, it's faded and blue, and it's here for me, and why aren't you?

Why aren't you?

The Girl And The Fox

When I was a child, I always wanted to believe that I was something other than what I am. The hope that when I was born i didnt open my eyes for three whole days, or my parents actually adopted me, or maybe i have a twin that will show up one day and take me away from myself... These hopes are what made my childhood so foolish. I thought that maybe, if I wasn't me, I would be more. I scoured the back of my hands, the inside of my mother's ear and the back of my father's knees for the answers,and the only thing I ever

found was this:

 The truth is that everyone wants to be heard, but no one takes the time to listen.

I remember the day when I decided to try listening to myself. As I listened I grew, not out, but up, and I saw what I looked like and for the first time I was finally able to look in the mirror without all the fog of unheard  questions. I remember thinking to myself, I'm pretty freaking awesome, and I am the only person who gets the credit for that.

So I would love it if you want to hear what I have to say, but if you don't care about the girl who loves others more than herself, the girl who believes in her religion but sometimes cusses like a sailor, the girl who can't spell and doesn't really care about grammar enough to spend her time fixing mistakes that belong to yesterday's newsletter. The girl who lays awake at night with a lit candle she's not allowed to have, wondering why the world hasn't spun us to oblivion just yet. If you don't want to meet this girl, than that's okay, both the girl, and the fox, understand enough to know you just need to find yourself before you can search for others.

-The Fox